 |
| Night time Kaisaniemi, Helsinki, Finland |
He once turned to her in his alcoholic delirium and asked
her:
- Do you know why I smoke? – He was waiting for her
reaction, but as she just kept staring at him, he went on. – Because I was
broke… Flat broke you know… And heartbroken
too… And completely mind-screwed, you know…
She sat back in her chair as only then she realized that
this conversation was not going anywhere… Or at least nowhere nice that is.
Yet, she gave some time to the marinated brain in front of her to clear from
the ethanolic fumes and deliver some proper (as far as bar-talks go at least)
conversation. No such luck. He kept talking nonsense, insisting how deeply
philosophical meaning they had and may be they did, but one had to be
near-dead-drunk to get it. Or stoned may be. She was neither. So few
sophisticated thoughts blabbered-out-loud later, she stood up from the table,
took the last sip from her glass. Her judgment here failed her though – the sip
was slightly too big, but she couldn’t stand a minute more there and tried as
hard as possible to just look very thirsty.
- I’m leaving for home. Are you staying?
She didn’t really feel going home alone in the middle of the
night and also didn’t want to sound rude and… Oh well, for a second she thought
that outside in the fresh mid-March-minus-twenty weather his mind would have
cleared dramatically and he’d be back to his melancholic state – melancholic
but at least not depressive. The second her mouth spoke out the question, her
mind regretted the thought. Now she
got lucky – faster than it would have been polite, he said that he’s staying
for more. More what? Drinks? Singing? She didn’t care much at that point so she
granted him with a broken smile and stopping to pick her coat at the wardrobe,
she left.
It was indeed fresh outside. She almost felt her eyelashes
freeze. Still it was less scary than she imagined – the streets were bright,
the snow was like a ceramic cover on the ground, the sky was full of stars. She
decided to take a longer walk ‘till the next bus stop. As she was walking we
started thinking.
- You didn’t start smoking because you were any kind of
broke. – She thought – you started ‘cause you were looking for something to be
dependant on. Before it was the girl you split up with, before this is was the
previous job you had and hated, meanwhile it was the unfulfilled dream of being
artist, and oh yes – the wonderful air-V guitar that you bought and never
learned playing… You’re just addicted to being miserable, to be sad, to be
missing something… All of us tend to be depressive at times, but you… You are only happy when you’re miserable! – Yes,
she was happy from the conclusion; she got on the bus and went home – happy
that she was happy in her happiness…
No comments:
Post a Comment